Getting over my body! (Luc lesson)

Sorry for the silence... Been a little hectic here at Gradidge base with sickness and the accompanying lack of sleep! Here is what i have been thinking about lately:

Since i fell pregnant i have felt like my body is not my own... It is weird cos 32 years of knowing your body and how it responds, feels, moves and just is, is all thrown out the window the moment you fall pregnant!
From the nausea to the growing boobs and an enormous tummy to the sore hips and feet and boobs (again) to actually feeling the little one move, your body feels weird.

And even once Luc was born my body was still not my own. Firstly i was just a huge milk machine but my body felt different, it looked different. I had curves where there werent curves before, my belly button looks different, my tummy is definitely different (!) and my body still responds differently to how it used to. I can eat foods i couldnt before (yay!) but i am still a bit off guavas.

To sum it up... Having a baby changes you... And my body is just one manifestation of that.

As i was changing Luc this morning and marveling at how he has grown i realised he is going through a similar process of learning about his body. Only difference is his didn't change, it is just all new!

What a privilege that i can experience a little of what he is experiencing... Where everything is new and wonderful and exciting and there is no judgement... And that is how i want to experience my "new" different body. I want to enjoy it and marvel in its complexity and how wonderfully it is made and not criticise...

End of me...

A week of teething (and sleepless- teething nights) followed by 2 weeks of sickness (and sleepless- sickness nights has left me tired. Very, very tired.

My poor Luc has had a chest infection with a nasty cough for the last week and a half and so he hasnt been feeling well and hasnt been sleeping well. i know he isnt feeling well because he clings to me and gives me these snotty- bury his head in my shoulder- hugs. It has also meant my easy going boy has not been so easy going. There are fights to eat and sleep and go back to sleep and take medicine. It has been challenging.

So all in all it has been a hard couple of weeks. And now Philippe is sick and i am not feeling wonderful either (bit of a sore throat and ears).

i read this great blog which summed up what i am feeling really well. Read about it here. and it made me remember that the good thing of being at the end of me is i stop relying on me. I stop relying on my wisdom and knowledge and energy and fix-it-all- ness. At the end of me is where grace is.
Grace to not have it all together
Grace to miss washing my hair one day
Grace to lose my temper
Grace to be tired
Grace to admit that this is hard
Grace to just lie down on your back on the carpet and not do anything for a little while
Grace to not make dinner and just eat toast for supper
Grace to not work but give myself an evening off

A fear of blue balls...

Haha- for those of you who are reading this to delve deep into my phobias. Sorry... nothing like that and nothing x- rated either.

In the last week i have noticed that Luc is afraid of blue balls (the rolling, throwing kind). He has an orange and red ball which are not a problem BUT his blue ball is! Weird!
I was chatting to my sister in law about it and we were laughing about it and she just mentioned that she wonders what on earth goes on inside these kids heads.

It must be quite an overwhelming world where everything you encounter is new and possibly scary and possibly dangerous or fun or gross.

<<< Lucs first trip to the zoo...So this is not scary but BLUE BALLS are!

Kids are such blank slates and they encounter everything with no idea what or how the thing will react.

I hope we can instill some important lessons on Luc's blank slate- like being kind, generous, hopeful, joyful. That to discover new things is GOOD (not scary). To try different things even if it involves blue balls. To treat everyone with respect. To work hard. To play hard. To love deeply. To be vulnerable (and this is a really scary one). To appreciate what you have. To love your parents (very important) and family.

So much to teach this boy. I pray we can write encouraging, up- building, foundational script over Luc's blank slate.

Grateful...

I am so grateful for so much and sometimes it is just good to remind myself...

i am grateful for:

1. Luc giggles
2. Pajamas after a long day
3. my handsome hubby
4. new fluffy pink slippers
5. mainly music (music group i attend with Luc on a tuesday). it is such fun. And chaotic. and loud and just amazing fun
6. good-for-my-soul- friends
7. skyping with my mom and mom-in-law
8. luc discovering how to crawl. At the moment he alternates between leaping forward/ little hops/ mistakenly going backwards and occassionally forward and where he wants to be
9. all stars
10. philippe playing with Luc
11. our garden (it is like a mini sanctuary)
12. how generous people are
13. this mild winter (so far). Incredibly beautiful winter skies without the inter temperatres
14. fern (my sis- in- law) who is a very special friend
15. chocolate
16. george r Martin and game of thrones books
17. luc enjoying the animals at the zoo
18. snuggling on the couch
19. (actually) picking a good dvd (i dont have the brest trach record)
20. i am who God says i am (not who i sometimes think i am)
21. flexible work so i can watch my boy grow up/ discover/ explore
22. new car with a boot that is big enough for the pram and groceries
23. macaroons
24. jeans that make me look skinny
25. kisses from my hubby

 There is so much more...
i am hugely blessed

Luc lesson

Luc is reaffirming for me that people (generally) are good and kind and happy... When i am out and about with Luc i am blown away by how people respond to him. People chat to him, smile, laugh and play with him. I have a whole new relationship with the shop assistants in my area because they remember him and ask after him. It has made me try and interact on a deeper level with those random people you come into contact with on a daily basis. I try and remember now who has kids (because LOVE sharing about their kids. It isnt only me!) and ask about them. And i try not rush around through every shop but rather take a few minutes to chat and smile with the shop assistant or the person in the queue.

Luc is teaching me...
That people are good. They are just sometimes rushed, angry, irritated or tired but generally deep down we are good
To slow down and interact...

On another note it is Luc's 9 month birthday today!!! Happy birthday my big boy.

What this is all about...

Just thinking about what my blog initially started out as... a platform to address reconciliation and racism in SA. I feel like a lot of the time lately i am talking about Luc and navigating motherhood and being a mother and wife. Reconciliation and SA still weigh heavily on my heart but for now i hope it is ok if some of my blog energy is also focused on navigating motherhood.
It is still relevant as i realise more and more the kind of world i want my boy to grow up in is a reconciled one!

So please bear with me if i have taken a mini detour through the  obstacle course of developmental milestones, nappies, car seats, sleeping (or not), eating (or not) and having my heart wandering around outside my body! Some of the obstacles will be tackling more difficult issues like racism and reconciliation and how and why and making it all better!

Mothers day and some mothering type thoughts

I had the most special mothers day... I got flowers and a card from my little Luc (thank you love for helping him write so eloquently!)
"You make the sun shine on my heart"
Just thinking about that line makes me tear up (again) and smile happy content smiles.
We went out for breakfast- me nad my boys. I love that! I love doing things with my little family!
And then lunch with my parents and brother, sis-in-law and nephew and my grandfather. Special time together- the boys did all the cooking! A braai, salad and ice cream for dessert...

Was an awesome, better than expected 1st mothers day!

What i have been thinking about all day (other than "You make the sun shine on my heart") is that Luc isnt crawling! I know, i know- development isnt a race... But it does kind of feel like it! At the music thingy we go to us- moms- of- 8- month- olds were comparing notes. My boy is the only one not crawling (and without teeth!) and that stresses me out.
It unfortunately has got me wondering what i am doing wrong or not doing...
Logically i can think his through and know that he still has loads of time!
But i want my boy to be best and to have the best! And to be seen as the best!

How hectic is this thinking??? when he is 8 months old. I am sure the competition only escalates as they get older...

So i am deliberately taking a step backwards from my crazy way of thinking! I know this boy is awesome and (in my eyes at least) perfect and super cute and completely not delayed at all.
I also know that i cannot get caught up in this comparison game- how detrimental and hurtful for my boy.
He is who he is. i need to let him be

And probably enjoy the peace!!!!