I like the concept of the 5 love languages because I have always been a clear cut gifts kind of girl. I felt loved when I received gifts and expressed my love for others by giving gifts (even if it is small like a snack or a chocolate).
What I have felt strange in the last few years is how my love languages have changed. and I think that is quite normal and if I have read the book properly, happens...
These days words of affirmation or encouragement do it for me... And here are my thoughts on why that feels more important right now.
When I was working full time I got a lot of affirmation and encouragement. I was competent at my job and so got that feedback regularly.
Being a mom is so different. there is very little affirmation that you are on the right track. and not a lot of thank you for the day to day things you do. there is no one who sees what you do. other than my sweet boy who although very sweet has yet to master the art of a spontaneous thank you or I love you!
Also I think the affirmation/ encouragement I crave is about who I am/ my personality/ my talents. if I think back to a couple of years ago I loved compliments about what I look like. and sure that is nice but what I want now is a little input on me. Being a mom sometimes feels so brain- less that I just want to know I am not brain dead. and because a lot of mothering is about putting yourself aside and putting someone else first it is hard to remember who I am.
But please don't stop giving me gifts ;-)!
Monday, 3 November 2014
Thursday, 4 September 2014
A letter to baby no 2
We are pregnant! With no 2 (our little mustard (seed) is due Mid Feb next year). I have been thinking a lot about how different pregnancy no 2 is... so here is a letter for baby 2.
Dear mustard
We called you mustard because although you were tiny to begin with we trust and pray and know you will grow into something big and strong and distinctive.
this pregnancy is very different from when I was pregnant with your big brother Luc. I know I spent a lot of time talking to my baby bump then. I spent lots of time reading about how big your big brother was or what he was doing or what body part he was growing. I spent a lot of time thinking about him and what our life would be like. I spent a lot of time reading up on what to eat, what exercise to do, how much sleep to get, what is the best car seat/ compactum/ formula/ method of birth... I spent hours talking to my mommy friends, picking their brains about what worked for them. and I wrote everything down about big brother luc...
I will be honest I haven't done much chatting to you my sweet mustard. I haven't read anything so I don't know how big you are right now or what body part you are focusing on growing.
I haven't been strict about what I am eating or drinking (although you'll be pleased to know I have avoided the hard drugs and alcohol). I haven't exercised at all (other than chasing around your brother). and in terms of equipment and clothes you will get all the hand- me- downs.
The reason for this is mostly how full life is with one child and I will be very honest I do not know how you cope with more than one?
BUT...
What I do know is that your daddy and I can do this. we can be good parents (not perfect ones) but competent ones. I do know that I will trust myself much earlier on once you are born. I do know that I will not stress the small stuff. I do know that the bad nights pass. and the endless days. I do know that being a parent is mind blowingly good.
and more than anything I do know that I love you so much... Already... So I cannot wait to meet you and love you even more.
Lots of love mommy
Dear mustard
We called you mustard because although you were tiny to begin with we trust and pray and know you will grow into something big and strong and distinctive.
this pregnancy is very different from when I was pregnant with your big brother Luc. I know I spent a lot of time talking to my baby bump then. I spent lots of time reading about how big your big brother was or what he was doing or what body part he was growing. I spent a lot of time thinking about him and what our life would be like. I spent a lot of time reading up on what to eat, what exercise to do, how much sleep to get, what is the best car seat/ compactum/ formula/ method of birth... I spent hours talking to my mommy friends, picking their brains about what worked for them. and I wrote everything down about big brother luc...
I will be honest I haven't done much chatting to you my sweet mustard. I haven't read anything so I don't know how big you are right now or what body part you are focusing on growing.
I haven't been strict about what I am eating or drinking (although you'll be pleased to know I have avoided the hard drugs and alcohol). I haven't exercised at all (other than chasing around your brother). and in terms of equipment and clothes you will get all the hand- me- downs.
The reason for this is mostly how full life is with one child and I will be very honest I do not know how you cope with more than one?
BUT...
What I do know is that your daddy and I can do this. we can be good parents (not perfect ones) but competent ones. I do know that I will trust myself much earlier on once you are born. I do know that I will not stress the small stuff. I do know that the bad nights pass. and the endless days. I do know that being a parent is mind blowingly good.
and more than anything I do know that I love you so much... Already... So I cannot wait to meet you and love you even more.
Lots of love mommy
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Losing a baby (part 2)
Sorry for the radio silence... After last post I had a little vulnerability hangover! (Read about it HERE) but it also made me realise I needed to say a few more things about losing a baby...
We lost our baby early and it was devastating. I kind of want to apologise for my grief with excuses like "its ok cos it was early" or "we were lucky because it was early". But actually it is ok to feel pain even if it was early on in the pregnancy.
I was overwhelmed with messages from other moms who had lost babies. And I really feel for all of you. no matter how early or how far in the pregnancy it was. my heart cries with you. I cry with you as you long for your child.
It made me realise how we need to talk about this... so many women (and men) are silently going through this. and I think we feel like there isn't space to grieve because it wasn't alive/ born/ viable (whatever excuse we tell ourselves). but it is sore. it is hard.
We don't tell people we are pregnant until 12 weeks because something may happen. i am not sure this is that healthy...I am not advocating fb announcements as soon as you see 2 lines but I do think we should be telling our support circles. we need to have support if something happens.
which brings me to the next point... there is nothing wrong with you and you didn't do something wrong if you lost a baby.
We lost our baby early and it was devastating. I kind of want to apologise for my grief with excuses like "its ok cos it was early" or "we were lucky because it was early". But actually it is ok to feel pain even if it was early on in the pregnancy.
I was overwhelmed with messages from other moms who had lost babies. And I really feel for all of you. no matter how early or how far in the pregnancy it was. my heart cries with you. I cry with you as you long for your child.
It made me realise how we need to talk about this... so many women (and men) are silently going through this. and I think we feel like there isn't space to grieve because it wasn't alive/ born/ viable (whatever excuse we tell ourselves). but it is sore. it is hard.
We don't tell people we are pregnant until 12 weeks because something may happen. i am not sure this is that healthy...I am not advocating fb announcements as soon as you see 2 lines but I do think we should be telling our support circles. we need to have support if something happens.
which brings me to the next point... there is nothing wrong with you and you didn't do something wrong if you lost a baby.
Friday, 25 April 2014
Losing a baby (and my religion)
So my previous posts about losing my religion got a lot of support and love. If you haven't read my ranting you can read it here and here. Thanks for all the love and support (virtual or real life!). it is much appreciated.
Part of what prompted my childish ranting was that I had a miscarriage. It was early on.
But sjoe it hurt...
Seeing those 2 (Yay- 2) lines on the stick was such a happy moment. And as I saw line 2 materialise I was already planning baby rooms, names and how best to announce this baby to the world. P and I were trying to think of a cool nickname for the baby... when I (we) started losing him/ her. And losing a baby, however early on, is heart breaking. I cried and ranted and sulked and wept for our babys future, their friends, their achievements, their hurts, their personality, their baby smell and a life unlived. all of which they wouldn't have.
I know loads of woman have miscarriages and sometimes without even realising... I know it probably means that our baby had something wrong with it. I know all this but it doesn't lessen the loss.
My heart cries with all the other mommys out there who have experienced this. I hope no one tries to diminish your experience of losing a child. Even if it was early, it is still a very real and painful loss.
And that is the (brief) reason I wrote about losing my religion. It is hard to reconcile a loving God with someone who lets so much heart ache happen.
BUT... he is still God. He has the same character.
And part of following him is following him even in the crap, dark night, feeling abandoned times.
So I choose to follow Jesus. I believe he is God even when I cant feel him
Part of what prompted my childish ranting was that I had a miscarriage. It was early on.
But sjoe it hurt...
Seeing those 2 (Yay- 2) lines on the stick was such a happy moment. And as I saw line 2 materialise I was already planning baby rooms, names and how best to announce this baby to the world. P and I were trying to think of a cool nickname for the baby... when I (we) started losing him/ her. And losing a baby, however early on, is heart breaking. I cried and ranted and sulked and wept for our babys future, their friends, their achievements, their hurts, their personality, their baby smell and a life unlived. all of which they wouldn't have.
I know loads of woman have miscarriages and sometimes without even realising... I know it probably means that our baby had something wrong with it. I know all this but it doesn't lessen the loss.
My heart cries with all the other mommys out there who have experienced this. I hope no one tries to diminish your experience of losing a child. Even if it was early, it is still a very real and painful loss.
And that is the (brief) reason I wrote about losing my religion. It is hard to reconcile a loving God with someone who lets so much heart ache happen.
BUT... he is still God. He has the same character.
And part of following him is following him even in the crap, dark night, feeling abandoned times.
So I choose to follow Jesus. I believe he is God even when I cant feel him
Monday, 14 April 2014
5 things worth fighting for
One of my friends was telling me how her grandmother said that as a mother you have to pick 5 things you feel strongly about and fight about those things because YOU CANNOT FIGHT ABOUT EVERTHING with your kids.
I think this is brilliant!
The 3 things I feel strongly about and why I chose them:
1. Respect for people. This includes how we treat people. Things like "not hitting our friends" or "listening to mommy" falls under this category. I am sure you guys are tired of hearing me say it but I want our kids to have respect for ALL people and treat ALL people well and that's why this is no 1.
2. Hygiene. Brushing teeth, bathing, washing hands, blowing noses etc... This is NOT about being neat and tidy cos honestly that isn't us. Eating healthily also falls under here but this is still a work in progress because Luc hasn't ingested a vegetable for about 10 months! If you have miracle cures for how to get toddlers to eat veggies please tell me :).
3. Routine. This has made for happier Luc and happier mom and dad and so I am all for routine BUT (and it is a huge but) it should be a routine that is flexible!
I am still thinking about what the others will be and if I come up with anything I will let you know...
What I haven't chosen:
I think this is brilliant!
The 3 things I feel strongly about and why I chose them:
1. Respect for people. This includes how we treat people. Things like "not hitting our friends" or "listening to mommy" falls under this category. I am sure you guys are tired of hearing me say it but I want our kids to have respect for ALL people and treat ALL people well and that's why this is no 1.
2. Hygiene. Brushing teeth, bathing, washing hands, blowing noses etc... This is NOT about being neat and tidy cos honestly that isn't us. Eating healthily also falls under here but this is still a work in progress because Luc hasn't ingested a vegetable for about 10 months! If you have miracle cures for how to get toddlers to eat veggies please tell me :).
3. Routine. This has made for happier Luc and happier mom and dad and so I am all for routine BUT (and it is a huge but) it should be a routine that is flexible!
I am still thinking about what the others will be and if I come up with anything I will let you know...
What I haven't chosen:
- Being neat/ clean/ tidy. Philippe and I aren't so I don't think we can expect our kids to be... This has also been quite a relief to let go of. If Luc makes a mess I try not to get upset about it and try and get him to help clean up...
- As a rule I try to teach Luc not to break things but I am also not going to get upset if he breaks a toy or it is not in pristine condition.
Saturday, 29 March 2014
Right to dignity
Did you know our (South African) constitution states that we all have a:
Just been thinking about how to implement that in day to day life.
Thinking about the beggar at the side of the road. his position in life is quite undignified. how can I bring him dignity (even if it is something small???). For me I thought I need to make sure that I do eye contact and polite no thank you shakes of my head. (Hard to remember at the end of the day in traffic!)
Or what about my domestic worker? First thing is that she calls me by my name, not madam, maam etc... And something I grapple with a lot is treating her as an employee not a servant. This is a mixed up one in SA where there can be so much white guilt attached to this interaction (or is that just me?)
Or clients I see... even the ones that are really slow/ annoying/ strange/ funny... being respectful of their story. For me it is about hearing them out, not laughing at them behind their back, not checking my watch.
Would love to hear about areas where you would like to see dignity in peoples lives.
Right to dignity???
Just been thinking about how to implement that in day to day life.
Thinking about the beggar at the side of the road. his position in life is quite undignified. how can I bring him dignity (even if it is something small???). For me I thought I need to make sure that I do eye contact and polite no thank you shakes of my head. (Hard to remember at the end of the day in traffic!)
Or what about my domestic worker? First thing is that she calls me by my name, not madam, maam etc... And something I grapple with a lot is treating her as an employee not a servant. This is a mixed up one in SA where there can be so much white guilt attached to this interaction (or is that just me?)
Or clients I see... even the ones that are really slow/ annoying/ strange/ funny... being respectful of their story. For me it is about hearing them out, not laughing at them behind their back, not checking my watch.
Would love to hear about areas where you would like to see dignity in peoples lives.
Monday, 17 March 2014
The right to quality healthcare
Wits Ethics dept runs a week called Ethics Alive where the health sciences faculty publicly re- commit to ethics... Steve Biko is a symbol of this week (and the dept) due to the unspeakable unethical treatment he received at the hands of medical professionals...
It is always worth attending (partly for the CPD points (we have t collect points to stay registered with HPCSA)) but mostly cos the talks are often thought provoking...
Here are a couple of statements that stuck with me and my thoughts on them:
- Quality vs Access! The SA health system is getting much better at access to health care but this doesn't necessarily mean that the accessed health care is of good quality... Dirty wards, shortages of linen and medicines, broken equipment and lack of staffing are just a few of the daily problems our hospitals face...
- SA has moved from a system of political apartheid to a system of economic apartheid. Sjoe... this is challenging! But if I look at how I live compared to how a person in Diepsloot lives there is no comparison. I take for granted water, electricity and sanitation and moan with the rest of my privileged neighbours about Eskoms power cuts but I don't face any of the hardships my Diepsloot neighbours face. and there is a definitely separateness between rich and poor in SA that is reminiscent of Apartheid. The reason this point was raised is that the poor are ultimately the people with no access to QUALITY health care.
- We cannot resolve a problem if we don't recognise the problem in the 1st place. I completely agree with this. we need to recognise our privilege, our failings, our prejudice in order to move past it.
Any ideas on how we can change poverty in SA? Watch this space... I will hopefully write a bit more about that soon.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
More on losing my religion
So my last post taught (or rather highlighted) some things for me:
What I have realised though is that the place I want to be is with God. I want to be in his presence. My heart longs for that. But it is sore and raw and hard there cos I cant pretend I am ok and all my junk hanging out isn't pretty. I cant pretend I am ok, strong, not hurting. So I am avoiding that place a bit (lot ;-)).
And I maintain I don't want to hear advice or 5 easy steps to healing/ hearing or whatever. I hope it is ok with God that I will find my way back to our relationship (NOT RELIGION) in time.
- People are amazing. The support and care people showered on me after my (very public) rant was incredible. Thank you friends. Much appreciated.
- You definitely need a catchy title for blog posts... Much more people read them :)
- Being vulnerable is hard. I had the largest vulnerability hangover EVER.
What I have realised though is that the place I want to be is with God. I want to be in his presence. My heart longs for that. But it is sore and raw and hard there cos I cant pretend I am ok and all my junk hanging out isn't pretty. I cant pretend I am ok, strong, not hurting. So I am avoiding that place a bit (lot ;-)).
And I maintain I don't want to hear advice or 5 easy steps to healing/ hearing or whatever. I hope it is ok with God that I will find my way back to our relationship (NOT RELIGION) in time.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Losing my religion...
So it has been a tough 2 weeks... Not ready to talk about it here. maybe that'll happen in a future blog when time has softened the corners of the hurt a bit.
I think one of the ways I would describe myself and hope I'd be described is "a Christian" and by that I mean the Jesus- loving- and- Jesus- following type not the angry, placard wielding type... So it is weird to be at a place where I feel like I am losing my religion.
I have been a Christian since I was 6. that's a long time. and the problem with being a christian so long is that it is like the mafia... I know too much... I cant get out...
[Quick disclaimer- not in the scary cult way. Hopefully you will hear what I am saying soonish] I feel like I have heard all the sermons on pain, I have had the prayer, I have answered the altar calls, I even know which verses I should turn to in my pain...
But I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! (I am learning tantrums from my boy!)
I am sad and sore and don't feel God close right now.
And I don't want to hear what worship song to listen to, what verse to turn to, which blog to read or sermon to download.
I want someone to hug me, hold me and comfort me.
I don't want ready made solutions.
I want someone who knows me to just listen.
I don't want to hear how I must just seek God.
I want to be sought.
I don't want to go through motions.
I want to just sit and be.
I don't want 10 steps to healing
I don't want to hear the 5 top gospel hit songs
I don't want to hear those ready made platitudes
I don't want to feel condemned or silly or less than
I just want to sit with my friend, father, lover. just be. no expectations. no doing. just space to feel sad, hurt and cry. and my heart longs for that... my heart longs for relationship. longs for my friend to hold my hand. my father to take me on his lap. my lover to stroke my hair.
Maybe losing my religion is a good thing.
I think one of the ways I would describe myself and hope I'd be described is "a Christian" and by that I mean the Jesus- loving- and- Jesus- following type not the angry, placard wielding type... So it is weird to be at a place where I feel like I am losing my religion.
I have been a Christian since I was 6. that's a long time. and the problem with being a christian so long is that it is like the mafia... I know too much... I cant get out...
[Quick disclaimer- not in the scary cult way. Hopefully you will hear what I am saying soonish] I feel like I have heard all the sermons on pain, I have had the prayer, I have answered the altar calls, I even know which verses I should turn to in my pain...
But I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! (I am learning tantrums from my boy!)
I am sad and sore and don't feel God close right now.
And I don't want to hear what worship song to listen to, what verse to turn to, which blog to read or sermon to download.
I want someone to hug me, hold me and comfort me.
I don't want ready made solutions.
I want someone who knows me to just listen.
I don't want to hear how I must just seek God.
I want to be sought.
I don't want to go through motions.
I want to just sit and be.
I don't want 10 steps to healing
I don't want to hear the 5 top gospel hit songs
I don't want to hear those ready made platitudes
I don't want to feel condemned or silly or less than
I just want to sit with my friend, father, lover. just be. no expectations. no doing. just space to feel sad, hurt and cry. and my heart longs for that... my heart longs for relationship. longs for my friend to hold my hand. my father to take me on his lap. my lover to stroke my hair.
Maybe losing my religion is a good thing.
Monday, 17 February 2014
Labels
One of the little girls (she is about 4) was chatting to me while I cashed up when a friend of hers came running up and said that her teacher was looking for her. I could see she didn't know what her friend meant and said to her she means Veronica (her nanny) is looking for her.
This little girl then said to her friend... Veronica isn't my teacher... she is my... she is my... Veronica.
I have been thinking about this encounter a lot.
These 2 little girls (and their parents) have got something right. There are no labels here. The parents aren't talking to their children about nannies/ maids/ servants. And so these girls struggled to put a name to the relationship they have with their nanny (excuse the label). I love her response "she is my Veronica". Reminding us that even when someone works for your family primarily they are still "Veronica".
Monday, 3 February 2014
Fighting the good fight
This phrase has become my mantra lately...
Fight the good fight is actually from Timothy 6:12 and refers to spreading Christianity... In our house it refers to ensuring
But at the end of the day it is a good fight... I am fighting for Lucs teeth, manners, hygiene, boundaries, discipline and the future man he will grow into.
It is a good fight. And I need to remind myself of that (at least 1 million times a day)
Fight the good fight is actually from Timothy 6:12 and refers to spreading Christianity... In our house it refers to ensuring
- Teeth are brushed
- books are not torn
- Saying ta
- Asking for what we want rather than whining
- Toys are packed away
- Food is not spat, thrown or smeared
- nappies are changed without smearing waste products all over the walls
- We don't smack friends, mommy, daddy or random strangers
- We are gentle with animals
- And on and on and on
But at the end of the day it is a good fight... I am fighting for Lucs teeth, manners, hygiene, boundaries, discipline and the future man he will grow into.
It is a good fight. And I need to remind myself of that (at least 1 million times a day)
Thursday, 23 January 2014
Contentment
I am not good at new years resolutions (who is???) and no matter how many Cosmo articles I read on "how to keep those resolutions!" I inevitably don't...
So what I rather want to do is a theme for the year. And this year is contentment.
Something I really struggle with... Don't get me wrong this doesn't mean just giving up and not putting any effort in (slob here we come). Rather it is about being Content in myself, my situation, my timing, MYSELF. My first step in my contentment journey is trying to understand what it really means. when I have some real insights I will let you know.
One thing I do think is that contentment and gratitude are closely linked... so I will be trying to be overtly grateful (even when I dont feel like it). Would be cool to hear anyones thoughts on contentment and what works for you....
To kick it off.
Today I am grateful for:
An evening spent chatting and hanging out with my handsome hubby
Delighted giggles from Lucie Palukie when he teases me
Lunch with Juliana where we could have talked for another 3 hours
Other moms and knowing I am not alone, crazy, over- protective or over- the top
A new morning and watching the sun rise
So what I rather want to do is a theme for the year. And this year is contentment.
Something I really struggle with... Don't get me wrong this doesn't mean just giving up and not putting any effort in (slob here we come). Rather it is about being Content in myself, my situation, my timing, MYSELF. My first step in my contentment journey is trying to understand what it really means. when I have some real insights I will let you know.
One thing I do think is that contentment and gratitude are closely linked... so I will be trying to be overtly grateful (even when I dont feel like it). Would be cool to hear anyones thoughts on contentment and what works for you....
To kick it off.
Today I am grateful for:
An evening spent chatting and hanging out with my handsome hubby
Delighted giggles from Lucie Palukie when he teases me
Lunch with Juliana where we could have talked for another 3 hours
Other moms and knowing I am not alone, crazy, over- protective or over- the top
A new morning and watching the sun rise
Monday, 20 January 2014
Falling in love...
This is a cool music video about falling in love with different, unapproved people: Music video
Enjoy it :).
Enjoy it :).
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
I am a very privileged mother of three
beautiful children. So when it comes to birth stories, I can surely join in the
conversation. My first two children, Ruben and Adam were both born in Ireland.
On both occasions it was a natural delivery without any complications, other
than me thinking that I’m going to die, especially with the first delivery, for
with the second you know that you are going to make it J. However the story I want to share is the
delivery of my third baby.
We were positive that we were not going to
have any more children after having our two boys. I felt like a ‘boy mommy’ and
we were very content. However, God had other plans for us. Finding out that we
were expecting a third baby came as a shock. We couldn’t even talk about it to
each other or anybody else for the first three months, but gradually got use to
the idea. The first three months of my pregnancy was a stressful time with me
trying to finish of my Master’s degree, moving house etc. I was so unsure about
having another baby and had so many worries, being an ‘older mom’ now. I kept
Like all my previous pregnancies, everything
went very well. I did not even experience any nausea. However, at 34 weeks I
experienced severe contractions and was placed on bed rest for a week. This was
a huge turning point for me. The possibility of almost losing my baby made me
realized how much I wanted it.
At 38 weeks into gustation my water broke during
the night. Seeing that I had an appointment with my doctor the next morning, I
decided to wait for the contractions to start, but it did not. I went to my
doctor’s appointment at 9:30am with my husband and hospital bags for in-case.
My doctor was visibly upset with me for not going to the hospital as my water
broke during the night. He informed me that I must proceed to the delivery room
for an induced labour. After about 6 hours things was not progressing well. At
4:00pm the doctor broke my water again, for the original tear was sealed by the
downward pressure of my baby’s head.
Everything kicked into action then. I had
very little time between contractions and made use of entonox gas for pain
relieve while rocking on a birthing ball. My husband was with me from 4:00pm
onwards, after making arrangements for our boys for the evening. He was very
calm and relaxed, having been through this with me two times before. My doctor
came to see me at 6:00pm. He established that I was 4cm dilated and predicted
that my baby will be delivered at 10:00pm.
I was feeling desperate at this news and
couldn’t fathom being in such pain for another 4 hours. I informed my doctor
that I went from 2-10cm in an hour during the delivery of my first baby and
that was without being induced. I suggested that my baby’s arrival might be
much sooner and commented that I couldn’t possibly ‘hang in there’ until
10:00pm as predicted. The doctor said that we’ll see and advised me to start
walking to help things along, something I couldn’t contemplate at the time. The
doctor left for home, saying he will be back at around 10:00pm.
At this point I seriously considered having
an epidural. I told my husband that I’m just not strong enough to do this again
like the previous two times, without an epidural. He called the midwife so I
could discuss this with her. Once I enquired about the pros and cons of this
procedure, I decided against it once more. Feeling rather desperate and a bit
unable to think straight (effect of the gas), I decided to walk a bit. I felt
an urge to go to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet to rest and then the
urgency to push took hold of me. As I started to push I called for the midwife,
announcing that my baby is coming. Out
of habit I locked the door as I entered the bathroom. Hearing her at the door I
got up to unlock and at that moment my baby started to drop downwards.
I have difficulty recalling the exact progression
of events after this. I just remembered seeing the midwife sitting on the floor
next to me holding my grey/blue baby. I kept looking at my baby’s little face,
seeing how she is struggling to remain conscious, passing out a couple of
times. I kept asking if my baby is okay and was reassured by the midwife. This
all happened during a change of shift, so there were two midwifes present to
assist with the baby, clamping and cutting the cord etc. I thank God for his
perfect timing.
My baby was taken out of the room while I
delivered the placenta. When I emerged from the bathroom, my husband was
holding our baby, all wrapped up in blankets. He assured me that our baby was
okay. Everything happened so fast with no big announcements at the end (it’s a
boy/girl!). Although we had an idea about the baby’s gender from viewing the
scans, it was not confirmed/real. We quickly opened the blankets to take a
peak. Our little baby girl had arrived at 6:35pm! We named her Isobella,
meaning consecrated to God/God’s promise. She was checked out by the
pediatrician and scored a 9/10 Apgar. Thank God for this miracle and for his
divine protection. She was placed on my chest and started feeding right away
like a little trooper. Afterwards she spend a couple of hours in an incubator
to warm up.
We thank God ever since for our little
miracle and for his divine intervention. May we be the best parents to her and
our boys with God’s guidance.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Sonja's birth story
I am a mother of three beautiful children.
But I am not a birth mum.
I never experienced my body change due to
pregnancy, I never carried life within me, I skipped the nausea, the swollen
feet, the many doctor’s appointments and the midnight cravings.
I became a mother through adoption.
As with birth stories, every adoption story is unique. We
adopted our first child 7 years ago. This is her 'birth' story.
It all started with a period of mourning. I had
to acknowledge the loss of never going to have biological children. I mourned
this loss, good and hard! I did the work and then when I was done, I was free
to move on.
Step two was to find an adoption agency and set the ball rolling. Sadly in South Africa the adoption process is often marred with tons of red tape, over worked, unprofessional or misinformed social workers and a fair amount of prejudice within the system, which can leave potential adoptive parents feeling discouraged, powerless and unsupported.
Step two was to find an adoption agency and set the ball rolling. Sadly in South Africa the adoption process is often marred with tons of red tape, over worked, unprofessional or misinformed social workers and a fair amount of prejudice within the system, which can leave potential adoptive parents feeling discouraged, powerless and unsupported.
So although our adoption process was long,
laborious and invasive we still consider ourselves as some of the lucky ones in
that our adoption didn't drag on for years and was not hindered by bureaucracy
and grave incompetance. It was however filled with many hours of probing
questions into every inch of our pasts and present and not to mention the long
list of paper work we had to get done.
Although the thought of our own little
bundle thrilled us there were times when the process nearly got the better of
me. One of our sessions with our social worker consisted of the following
questions: ' Would you be open to adopting a child with physical disabillities?
An abandoned baby? Would you consider a baby who's birth mom was raped? The
baby of a drug addict? How about adopting a baby who has a history of mental
illness in her family?” As adoptive parents you come face to face with some of
the really harsh realities of the world we live in, long before you ever get to
hold your baby.
And then, eventually after 7 months our
application was done and the waiting process started.
It really took a fair amount of faith to wait
for this unknown baby. To choose a name for this unknown baby. Prepare a room
for her. To pray for her. An unknown baby from a stranger who we would never
know, but to whom we would be forever connected. There are so many unknowns
when adopting, so many “ifs”, so many questions, doubts and fears. An
overwhelming degree of the adoption process is out of your control and you just
have to trust.
The time of waiting for an adopted baby
is often compared to a pregnancy by social workers. But there was obviously no
external signs that we were preparing to receive a baby. No bump. As a result
people didn't speak to me about our 'coming' baby as often as when a growing
bump is present. It was quite a long and lonely 'pregnancy'.
In order to keep myself sane while waiting, I
took a part time job and prepared a baby room. Just as a pregnant woman gathers
information about her pregnancy, an adoptive mother gathers information about
the adoption process, and about her child’s upcoming transition into the
family. When adopting you usually don’t know when your baby will come home or
how old your baby will be and so shopping for clothes or nappies and even toys
is just not practical. You just have to wait.
Then one Friday morning the phone rang. Our social worker, sounding as formal as always, informed me that she has matched us with a baby. The wait was finally over. Now I knew that our little girl was nearly 7 months old and we could finalise the shopping list and announce the long expected and wonderful news! It is a mad rush to get everything ready, a wonderfully sweet rush!
The following week, we flew to Durban to meet
our precious little one. As she is placed in my arms the long wait becomes a
distant memory. It is done. Our daughter. At last. The
next morning we make a quick court visit and then we bring our prefect little
girl home....forever.
The wonder of adoption is truly that this little person I have never met before is instantly connected to me. It is really difficult to put into words, but it is as if your heart just opens and receives this precious gift, no questions asked. I 100% accept and embrace her as my daughter. I suspect this is pretty much the same with a birth mom and baby.
The wonder of adoption is truly that this little person I have never met before is instantly connected to me. It is really difficult to put into words, but it is as if your heart just opens and receives this precious gift, no questions asked. I 100% accept and embrace her as my daughter. I suspect this is pretty much the same with a birth mom and baby.
Having said that, bonding with your adopted baby does take time. My
children were respectively 7 , 4 and 6½ months old
when they came home. For those birth moms out there you know that by the time
your baby is 4, 6, or 7 months old you are already be very well acquainted with
their cry, expressions and gestures. You have seen their first smile and heard
their little giggles. You would know your baby's body well and baby would be
familiar with your touch. When an adopted baby comes home all is new and the
journey from 'strangers' to mom and baby that unfolds, is beautiful, often
scary and in many ways so sacred to me.
All relationships take work and attachments take time to
form. A baby spends nine months getting to know the sound, scent, and rhythms
of its birth mum. An adopted baby needs the same kind of close bonding time to
feel safe and comfortable. When we adopted our third baby my 5 year old son
asked me:” Mommy how will the baby know you are his mommy?” I loved the honesty
of his question. I told him the baby would learn to know that I am his
mommy as I care for and love him.
We don't all become mothers in
the same way. Our birth stories are unique.
Our journeys different. But at the end we all receive these amazing
gifts, who change our lives forever! Its both wonderful and hard!
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
Nicki's birth story
Continuing with birth storys... Here is Nicki's birth story. Nicki is a physio who works at Wits University. I met Nicki through a moms group we both attended. Her daughter Morgan has already shared a kiss with Luc (Watch this space!)
For me my daughter's birth could not have gone better. She came at
39 weeks, and in quite a hurry! From when my waters broke to the time I
had her in my arms was less than 7 hours, with actual painful labour
only lasting about 3 hours. This may sound long to non-moms but in
labour terms it was very quick... especially since one loses all sense
of time in labour land :)
For the pregnancy I was under a midwife at Genesis and I found this
to be a great experience... midwifery is probably one of the most
underrated professions ever! Phindi, the midwife, was fantastic. I could
phone her at any time with any of my pregnancy questions and when the
show got on the road she was amazing. Thanks to her I was convinced that
I could a) have natural birth, b) do it without an epidural. After I
returned home with Morgan, she came and did a home visit which was also
invaluable!
Although there were times during the labour that I felt that I
couldn't go on, I felt that i was able to persevere because of the
rapidity of the labour progression. It gave me hope knowing that it was
soon going to be over :) Looking back I wonder if I would have been able
to hold out on the epidural if the labour took longer...
I am very grateful for the experience of natural child birth and
that I had the ability and opportunity to breastfeed up until 8 months. I
feel that it is something that I have accomplished in my life and that
has given me an extra girl guide badge :)
HOWEVER, having said that, I also feel that there is such pressure
on mom's nowadays to have natural and to breastfeed that when the need
for a Caesar or formula arises it throws the moms into a state of
failure. This, combined with the cocktail of post-pregnancy hormones,
can be quite disastrous and often takes moms one step closer to PND.
When chatting with expectant friend's I am mindful that although I am in
favour of the birth experience that I had, I explain that it cannot be
everyone's reality and that at the end of the day so long as one has a
healthy baba in one's arms then all is well!
Although I griped and complained along the way (and still do), I
loved every minute of pregnancy, birth, newborn and onwards. Now as I
begin to learn about the challenges and joys of being a mom to a toddler
I look forward to (God willing) expanding my family and going through
the journey again...
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Our birth story
The other day (last year- scary thought) i was chatting to a friend who has a baby and we were just speaking about giving birth again and what an overwhelming, amazing, hectic, messy, beautiful, traumatic, mind- blowing experience it is. got me thinking... it would be cool to write our birth stories and share other peoples birth stories here. I have already asked a couple of friends and you'll read their awesome stuff soon but if you are keen to share your birth story i would absolutely love to hear from you and would love to publish it.
So to kick off... Here is our story. i deliberately want to make it ours because this is as much about Luc and Philippe as it is about me.
I had an ok pregnancy. only ok as we had 2 scares... first was at about 26 weeks my gynae picked up something strange on the sonar. she was worried it was an ectopic kidney (Of course philippe made many jokes about selling the kidney on the black market) but it was a stressful time. we saw the specialist who found nothing wrong (thank God... it was a miracle and we really give God the glory for holding Luc so tight even at this stage of his life). when i was about 32 weeks pregnant i went to durban for a conference (against the gynaes recommendations- SILLY) and starting bleeding while there. stressful but again nothing was wrong with our sweet boy.
At our 36 week check up the gynae noticed Luc wasnt putting on weight and my amniotic fluid was running out. i can remember clearly it was a thursday afternoon. we had planned to go to our antenatal classes after the appointment. the gynae said we needed to deliver luc soon or he would be at risk. it was so surreal... one moment we were having a baby in a month and the next moment we were having a baby on the monday. Because luc would be a bit early i had steroid injections for three days to grow his lungs.What was also so weird was that it really wasnt how i had planned and hoped to give birth... I wanted to have a natural birth without drugs as far as possible... also i had fully expected luc to be term and big... Not what happened at all but throughout our pregnancy Philippe and i had said that we would do what is best for the baby and we prayed that (a lot). And i am thankful to my gynae who picked up the issues and dealt with them professionally.
The weekend before Luc was born was a flurry of activity. i hadnt even sorted all my gifts from my baby shower which was the weekend before. i am so thankful to my mom and sis- in- law Fern who came, helped me sort, gave advice, shopped for last minute stuff and were a calming presence during that crazy weekend. and Philippe who also ran around doing last minute stuff like shopping, collecting the feeding chair and generally being excited (where i was quite terrified).
Monday morning philippe and i woke up early... so excited to meet our little guy (altho we didnt know yet he'd be a little guy). We checked in at the hospital and went up to the ward where they did all the prep stuff like dressing in those awful gowns, inserting drips and filling in 1 million forms... Waiting for our chance in theatre was hectic... alternating between terrified and excited.
Eventually it was our turn to go into theatre. Philippe looked super handsome in theatre scrubs.
they wheeled me into theatre first to do the spinal block and other fun things (like insert catheter- the thing i dreaded the most!) and once that was all done philippe came in and joined me. the staff were amazing. we had a great anaesthetist who talked us through everything and the nurses and our gynae and assistant joked and laughed with us through the whole process. it was a joyful, happy theatre. What was a lot of fun was not knowing the gender... the staff all took bets about whether it was a boy or girl.
Philippe stood by my head and held my hand during the caeser. He told me what he could see... When he saw our baby for the first time he said "he has an afro"!
As they took Luc out the anaesthetist lifted me up so i could watch... What a mind blowing experience... Seeing my baby boy for the first time.
After cutting the umbilical cord Luc was cleaned up and suctioned a bit to get all the gunk out his mouth and lungs but again what a miracle... Our baby boy was perfect! He was small- 2.3 kg but he was perfect!
What i found so strange was how long it took to sew me up... I think i had prepared myself or thought about the birth but not what happens after. While they sewed me up they put Luc into an incubator...
But the most incredible moment was as they wheeled me out of theatre they put him on my chest....
That instant, incredible, over whelming love was so huge i thought i might burst. he lay on my chest making such funny little noises. I felt like i never ever wanted to let go of him again...
Having prepared myself for natural birth i hadnt done much reading on having a caeser and so didnt know what to expect. what i didnt anticipate was how much pain i would be in... I looked longingly at the ladies in my ward after natural birth that were walking around the same day and didnt look like they were riding a horse! but pain passes and my baby boy was fine which was the most important thing.
Giving birth is such a huge process and all the emotions, experiences, smells and feelings cant fully be appreciated until you have gone through it. And it is only the beginning of the incredible journey of parenthood... but the fact that it is so huge, overwhelming and mind blowing is a fitting beginning to parenthood.
So to kick off... Here is our story. i deliberately want to make it ours because this is as much about Luc and Philippe as it is about me.
I had an ok pregnancy. only ok as we had 2 scares... first was at about 26 weeks my gynae picked up something strange on the sonar. she was worried it was an ectopic kidney (Of course philippe made many jokes about selling the kidney on the black market) but it was a stressful time. we saw the specialist who found nothing wrong (thank God... it was a miracle and we really give God the glory for holding Luc so tight even at this stage of his life). when i was about 32 weeks pregnant i went to durban for a conference (against the gynaes recommendations- SILLY) and starting bleeding while there. stressful but again nothing was wrong with our sweet boy.
At our 36 week check up the gynae noticed Luc wasnt putting on weight and my amniotic fluid was running out. i can remember clearly it was a thursday afternoon. we had planned to go to our antenatal classes after the appointment. the gynae said we needed to deliver luc soon or he would be at risk. it was so surreal... one moment we were having a baby in a month and the next moment we were having a baby on the monday. Because luc would be a bit early i had steroid injections for three days to grow his lungs.What was also so weird was that it really wasnt how i had planned and hoped to give birth... I wanted to have a natural birth without drugs as far as possible... also i had fully expected luc to be term and big... Not what happened at all but throughout our pregnancy Philippe and i had said that we would do what is best for the baby and we prayed that (a lot). And i am thankful to my gynae who picked up the issues and dealt with them professionally.
The weekend before Luc was born was a flurry of activity. i hadnt even sorted all my gifts from my baby shower which was the weekend before. i am so thankful to my mom and sis- in- law Fern who came, helped me sort, gave advice, shopped for last minute stuff and were a calming presence during that crazy weekend. and Philippe who also ran around doing last minute stuff like shopping, collecting the feeding chair and generally being excited (where i was quite terrified).
Monday morning philippe and i woke up early... so excited to meet our little guy (altho we didnt know yet he'd be a little guy). We checked in at the hospital and went up to the ward where they did all the prep stuff like dressing in those awful gowns, inserting drips and filling in 1 million forms... Waiting for our chance in theatre was hectic... alternating between terrified and excited.
Eventually it was our turn to go into theatre. Philippe looked super handsome in theatre scrubs.
they wheeled me into theatre first to do the spinal block and other fun things (like insert catheter- the thing i dreaded the most!) and once that was all done philippe came in and joined me. the staff were amazing. we had a great anaesthetist who talked us through everything and the nurses and our gynae and assistant joked and laughed with us through the whole process. it was a joyful, happy theatre. What was a lot of fun was not knowing the gender... the staff all took bets about whether it was a boy or girl.
Philippe stood by my head and held my hand during the caeser. He told me what he could see... When he saw our baby for the first time he said "he has an afro"!
After cutting the umbilical cord Luc was cleaned up and suctioned a bit to get all the gunk out his mouth and lungs but again what a miracle... Our baby boy was perfect! He was small- 2.3 kg but he was perfect!
What i found so strange was how long it took to sew me up... I think i had prepared myself or thought about the birth but not what happens after. While they sewed me up they put Luc into an incubator...
But the most incredible moment was as they wheeled me out of theatre they put him on my chest....
That instant, incredible, over whelming love was so huge i thought i might burst. he lay on my chest making such funny little noises. I felt like i never ever wanted to let go of him again...
Having prepared myself for natural birth i hadnt done much reading on having a caeser and so didnt know what to expect. what i didnt anticipate was how much pain i would be in... I looked longingly at the ladies in my ward after natural birth that were walking around the same day and didnt look like they were riding a horse! but pain passes and my baby boy was fine which was the most important thing.
Giving birth is such a huge process and all the emotions, experiences, smells and feelings cant fully be appreciated until you have gone through it. And it is only the beginning of the incredible journey of parenthood... but the fact that it is so huge, overwhelming and mind blowing is a fitting beginning to parenthood.
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