So it has been a tough 2 weeks... Not ready to talk about it here. maybe that'll happen in a future blog when time has softened the corners of the hurt a bit.
I think one of the ways I would describe myself and hope I'd be described is "a Christian" and by that I mean the Jesus- loving- and- Jesus- following type not the angry, placard wielding type... So it is weird to be at a place where I feel like I am losing my religion.
I have been a Christian since I was 6. that's a long time. and the problem with being a christian so long is that it is like the mafia... I know too much... I cant get out...
[Quick disclaimer- not in the scary cult way. Hopefully you will hear what I am saying soonish] I feel like I have heard all the sermons on pain, I have had the prayer, I have answered the altar calls, I even know which verses I should turn to in my pain...
But I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! (I am learning tantrums from my boy!)
I am sad and sore and don't feel God close right now.
And I don't want to hear what worship song to listen to, what verse to turn to, which blog to read or sermon to download.
I want someone to hug me, hold me and comfort me.
I don't want ready made solutions.
I want someone who knows me to just listen.
I don't want to hear how I must just seek God.
I want to be sought.
I don't want to go through motions.
I want to just sit and be.
I don't want 10 steps to healing
I don't want to hear the 5 top gospel hit songs
I don't want to hear those ready made platitudes
I don't want to feel condemned or silly or less than
I just want to sit with my friend, father, lover. just be. no expectations. no doing. just space to feel sad, hurt and cry. and my heart longs for that... my heart longs for relationship. longs for my friend to hold my hand. my father to take me on his lap. my lover to stroke my hair.
Maybe losing my religion is a good thing.