So my previous posts about losing my religion got a lot of support and love. If you haven't read my ranting you can read it here and here. Thanks for all the love and support (virtual or real life!). it is much appreciated.
Part of what prompted my childish ranting was that I had a miscarriage. It was early on.
But sjoe it hurt...
Seeing those 2 (Yay- 2) lines on the stick was such a happy moment. And as I saw line 2 materialise I was already planning baby rooms, names and how best to announce this baby to the world. P and I were trying to think of a cool nickname for the baby... when I (we) started losing him/ her. And losing a baby, however early on, is heart breaking. I cried and ranted and sulked and wept for our babys future, their friends, their achievements, their hurts, their personality, their baby smell and a life unlived. all of which they wouldn't have.
I know loads of woman have miscarriages and sometimes without even realising... I know it probably means that our baby had something wrong with it. I know all this but it doesn't lessen the loss.
My heart cries with all the other mommys out there who have experienced this. I hope no one tries to diminish your experience of losing a child. Even if it was early, it is still a very real and painful loss.
And that is the (brief) reason I wrote about losing my religion. It is hard to reconcile a loving God with someone who lets so much heart ache happen.
BUT... he is still God. He has the same character.
And part of following him is following him even in the crap, dark night, feeling abandoned times.
So I choose to follow Jesus. I believe he is God even when I cant feel him