Losing a baby (part 2)

Sorry for the radio silence... After last post I had a little vulnerability hangover! (Read about it HERE) but it also made me realise I needed to say a few more things about losing a baby...

We lost our baby early and it was devastating. I kind of want to apologise for my grief with excuses like "its ok cos it was early" or "we were lucky because it was early". But actually it is ok to feel pain even if it was early on in the pregnancy.

I was overwhelmed with messages from other moms who had lost babies. And I really feel for all of you. no matter how early or how far in the pregnancy it was. my heart cries with you. I cry with you as you long for your child.

It made me realise how we need to talk about this... so many women (and men) are silently going through this. and I think we feel like there isn't space to grieve because it wasn't alive/ born/ viable (whatever excuse we tell ourselves). but it is sore. it is hard.

We don't tell people we are pregnant until 12 weeks because something may happen. i am not sure this is that healthy...I am not advocating fb announcements as soon as you see 2 lines but I do think we should be telling our support circles. we need to have support if something happens.

which brings me to the next point... there is nothing wrong with you and you didn't do something wrong if you lost a baby.

Losing a baby (and my religion)

So my previous posts about losing my religion got a lot of support and love. If you haven't read my ranting you can read it here and here. Thanks for all the love and support (virtual or real life!). it is much appreciated.

Part of what prompted my childish ranting was that I had a miscarriage. It was early on.

But sjoe it hurt...

Seeing those 2 (Yay- 2) lines on the stick was such a happy moment. And as I saw line 2 materialise I was already planning baby rooms, names and how best to announce this baby to the world. P and I were trying to think of a cool nickname for the baby... when I (we) started losing him/ her. And losing a baby, however early on, is heart breaking. I cried and ranted and sulked and wept for our babys future, their friends, their achievements, their hurts, their personality, their baby smell and a life unlived. all of which they wouldn't have.

I know loads of woman have miscarriages and sometimes without even realising... I know it probably means that our baby had something wrong with it. I know all this but it doesn't lessen the loss.

My heart cries with all the other mommys out there who have experienced this. I hope no one tries to diminish your experience of losing a child. Even if it was early, it is still a very real and painful loss.

And that is the (brief) reason I wrote about losing my religion. It is hard to reconcile a loving God with someone who lets so much heart ache happen.

BUT... he is still God. He has the same character.
And part of following him is following him even in the crap, dark night, feeling abandoned times.

So I choose to follow Jesus. I believe he is God even when I cant feel him

5 things worth fighting for

One of my friends was telling me how her grandmother said that as a mother you have to pick 5 things you feel strongly about and fight about those things because YOU CANNOT FIGHT ABOUT EVERTHING with your kids.

I think this is brilliant!

The 3 things I feel strongly about and why I chose them:

1. Respect for people. This includes how we treat people. Things like "not hitting our friends" or "listening to mommy" falls under this category. I am sure you guys are tired of hearing me say it but I want our kids to have respect for ALL people and treat ALL people well and that's why this is no 1.

2. Hygiene. Brushing teeth, bathing, washing hands, blowing noses etc... This is NOT about being neat and tidy cos honestly that isn't us. Eating healthily also falls under here but this is still a work in progress because Luc hasn't ingested a vegetable for about 10 months! If you have miracle cures for how to get toddlers to eat veggies please tell me :).

3. Routine. This has made for happier Luc and happier mom and dad and so I am all for routine BUT (and it is a huge but) it should be a routine that is flexible!

I am still thinking about what the others will be and if I come up with anything I will let you know...

What I haven't chosen:

• Being neat/ clean/ tidy. Philippe and I aren't so I don't think we can expect our kids to be... This has also been quite a relief to let go of. If Luc makes a mess I try not to get upset about it and try and get him to help clean up...
• As a rule I try to teach Luc not to break things but I am also not going to get upset if he breaks a toy or it is not in pristine condition.

Right to dignity

Did you know our (South African) constitution states that we all have a:

Right to dignity???

Just been thinking about how to implement that in day to day life.

Thinking about the beggar at the side of the road. his position in life is quite undignified. how can I bring him dignity (even if it is something small???). For me I thought I need to make sure that I do eye contact and polite no thank you shakes of my head. (Hard to remember at the end of the day in traffic!)

Or what about my domestic worker? First thing is that she calls me by my name, not madam, maam etc... And something I grapple with a lot is treating her as an employee not a servant. This is a mixed up one in SA where there can be so much white guilt attached to this interaction (or is that just me?)

Or clients I see... even the ones that are really slow/ annoying/ strange/ funny... being respectful of their story. For me it is about hearing them out, not laughing at them behind their back, not checking my watch.

Would love to hear about areas where you would like to see dignity in peoples lives.

The right to quality healthcare

 

 





Wits Ethics dept runs a week called Ethics Alive where the health sciences faculty publicly re- commit to ethics... Steve Biko is a symbol of this week (and the dept) due to the unspeakable unethical treatment he received at the hands of medical professionals...


It is always worth attending (partly for the CPD points (we have t collect points to stay registered with HPCSA)) but mostly cos the talks are often thought provoking...


Here are a couple of statements that stuck with me and my thoughts on them:

1. Quality vs Access! The SA health system is getting much better at access to health care but this doesn't necessarily mean that the accessed health care is of good quality... Dirty wards, shortages of linen and medicines, broken equipment and lack of staffing are just a few of the daily problems our hospitals face...
2. SA has moved from a system of political apartheid to a system of economic apartheid. Sjoe... this is challenging! But if I look at how I live compared to how a person in Diepsloot lives there is no comparison. I take for granted water, electricity and sanitation and moan with the rest of my privileged neighbours about Eskoms power cuts but I don't face any of the hardships my Diepsloot neighbours face. and there is a definitely separateness between rich and poor in SA that is reminiscent of Apartheid. The reason this point was raised is that the poor are ultimately the people with no access to QUALITY health care.
3. We cannot resolve a problem if we don't recognise the problem in the 1st place. I completely agree with this. we need to recognise our privilege, our failings, our prejudice in order to move past it.

 Hard truths... and I am still thinking about my response to them. Particularly around POVERTY as this is so challenging... And how do we make a difference?

Any ideas on how we can change poverty in SA? Watch this space... I will hopefully write a bit more about that soon.
 

More on losing my religion

So my last post taught (or rather highlighted) some things for me:

1. People are amazing. The support and care people showered on me after my (very public) rant was incredible. Thank you friends. Much appreciated.
2. You definitely need a catchy title for blog posts... Much more people read them :)
3. Being vulnerable is hard. I had the largest vulnerability hangover EVER.

So... I am still feeling a little (lot) sore and lost and sad but better. The support of friends and virtual friends has been wonderful.
What I have realised though is that the place I want to be is with God. I want to be in his presence. My heart longs for that. But it is sore and raw and hard there cos I cant pretend I am ok and all my junk hanging out isn't pretty. I cant pretend I am ok, strong, not hurting. So I am avoiding that place a bit (lot ;-)).
And I maintain I don't want to hear advice or 5 easy steps to healing/ hearing or whatever.  I hope it is ok with God that I will find my way back to our relationship (NOT RELIGION) in time.

Losing my religion...

So it has been a tough 2 weeks... Not ready to talk about it here. maybe that'll happen in a future blog when time has softened the corners of the hurt a bit.

I think one of the ways I would describe myself and hope I'd be described is "a Christian" and by that I mean the Jesus- loving- and- Jesus- following type not the angry, placard wielding type... So it is weird to be at a place where I feel like I am losing my religion.

I have been a Christian since I was 6. that's a long time. and the problem with being a christian so long is that it is like the mafia... I know too much... I cant get out...
[Quick disclaimer- not in the scary cult way. Hopefully you will hear what I am saying soonish] I feel like I have heard all the sermons on pain, I have had the prayer, I have answered the altar calls, I even know which verses I should turn to in my pain...

But I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! (I am learning tantrums from my boy!)

I am sad and sore and don't feel God close right now.
And I don't want to hear what worship song to listen to, what verse to turn to, which blog to read or sermon to download.
I want someone to hug me, hold me and comfort me.
I don't want ready made solutions.
I want someone who knows me to just listen.
I don't want to hear how I must just seek God.
I want to be sought.
I don't want to go through motions.
I want to just sit and be.
I don't want 10 steps to healing
I don't want to hear the 5 top gospel hit songs
I don't want to hear those ready made platitudes
I don't want to feel condemned or silly or less than

I just want to sit with my friend, father, lover. just be. no expectations. no doing. just space to feel sad, hurt and cry. and my heart longs for that... my heart longs for relationship. longs for my friend to hold my hand. my father to take me on his lap. my lover to stroke my hair.

Maybe losing my religion is a good thing.