Losing a (father/ symbolic) figure

I know everyone has there words to say about Mandela's death. And i dont think i have anything particularly original to say... As a country we are deeply saddened by it and personally i do feel like i have lost someone important.

On reflecting on why it feels so sore to lose someone who was essentially so distant from me i realised a few things...
To a large extent Madiba was symbolic of the struggle against apartheid. he was a figurehead of what was destroyed when apartheid ended. And we are so grateful to him for being that.

On a personal note (and as i write this i am crying in gratitude to Madiba and all those people who fought against apartheid) it means i could marry the man i love without being arrested, i can be a mother to my son who is several shades darker than me, i can go to the same beach as my boys, i can hold their hands in public without fear. Without the end of apartheid i would never have met Philippe. we would not have been attending the same writing retreat and probably not the same university...

Grateful. i am grateful.

On feeling (fat, thin, ugly, ok) beautiful

Today was a day i had been dreading for a while... Photo day at work! We had professional make up done and then had professional photos taken.

i was dreading today... Because i dont like photos, i am (a little) scared of make up and i felt silly. i was worried i wouldnt know how to move my head in the right direction when i had to or hold my eyelids still to have mascara applied. Worried they'd just have to scrap my photo...

But i guess the real problem was that i dont feel beautiful and was scared of having the rest of the world (hahaha- such a drama queen! Just my colleagues, a photographer and make up artist) see that i am not beautiful. This is heart wrenching to write cos i feel like i am baring my soul a little. i think i need to brace myself for a vulnerability hangover tomorrow:).

And then... i was reading this blog tonight and realised what a screwed up view i have. and i really wanted to just write this to debrief and unpack this. I love where Kasey Edwards says "When did fat become a feeling anyway?" Exactly... When did fat, ugly, beautiful, thin become feelings????

And i know deep down i am not ugly. i think the fact that i have such a handsome husband proves that cos he wouldnt marry too far out his range ;-)! but i guess what i struggle to know is that i am beautiful. And yet i profess that i dont think beauty is not only physically related but an inward outshining. a smarkling of yourself. and i do believe that. Now how do i live that?

Also (and yes we are back here!) how do i teach Luc that... Not only to see himself in a positive healthy manner but also to treat woman in that way. i do need to model an acceptance of myself (all the bits- wobbly, wrinkly, scared). maybe if i act i will believe it a bit more.

P.S. What an incredible experience today was. Professional make up and photos are worth having... Even if just for the introspection they spark