More on losing my religion

So my last post taught (or rather highlighted) some things for me:

1. People are amazing. The support and care people showered on me after my (very public) rant was incredible. Thank you friends. Much appreciated.
2. You definitely need a catchy title for blog posts... Much more people read them :)
3. Being vulnerable is hard. I had the largest vulnerability hangover EVER.

So... I am still feeling a little (lot) sore and lost and sad but better. The support of friends and virtual friends has been wonderful.
What I have realised though is that the place I want to be is with God. I want to be in his presence. My heart longs for that. But it is sore and raw and hard there cos I cant pretend I am ok and all my junk hanging out isn't pretty. I cant pretend I am ok, strong, not hurting. So I am avoiding that place a bit (lot ;-)).
And I maintain I don't want to hear advice or 5 easy steps to healing/ hearing or whatever.  I hope it is ok with God that I will find my way back to our relationship (NOT RELIGION) in time.

Losing my religion...

So it has been a tough 2 weeks... Not ready to talk about it here. maybe that'll happen in a future blog when time has softened the corners of the hurt a bit.

I think one of the ways I would describe myself and hope I'd be described is "a Christian" and by that I mean the Jesus- loving- and- Jesus- following type not the angry, placard wielding type... So it is weird to be at a place where I feel like I am losing my religion.

I have been a Christian since I was 6. that's a long time. and the problem with being a christian so long is that it is like the mafia... I know too much... I cant get out...
[Quick disclaimer- not in the scary cult way. Hopefully you will hear what I am saying soonish] I feel like I have heard all the sermons on pain, I have had the prayer, I have answered the altar calls, I even know which verses I should turn to in my pain...

But I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! (I am learning tantrums from my boy!)

I am sad and sore and don't feel God close right now.
And I don't want to hear what worship song to listen to, what verse to turn to, which blog to read or sermon to download.
I want someone to hug me, hold me and comfort me.
I don't want ready made solutions.
I want someone who knows me to just listen.
I don't want to hear how I must just seek God.
I want to be sought.
I don't want to go through motions.
I want to just sit and be.
I don't want 10 steps to healing
I don't want to hear the 5 top gospel hit songs
I don't want to hear those ready made platitudes
I don't want to feel condemned or silly or less than

I just want to sit with my friend, father, lover. just be. no expectations. no doing. just space to feel sad, hurt and cry. and my heart longs for that... my heart longs for relationship. longs for my friend to hold my hand. my father to take me on his lap. my lover to stroke my hair.

Maybe losing my religion is a good thing.

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A few weeks ago I was cashing up at mainly music (Amazing music thing my church runs. It is loud, busy, hectic but also very special and fun and Luc and I love it. If you interested have a look at the  website).


One of the little girls (she is about 4) was chatting to me while I cashed up when a friend of hers came running up and said that her teacher was looking for her. I could see she didn't know what her friend meant and said to her she means Veronica (her nanny) is looking for her.
This little girl then said to her friend... Veronica isn't my teacher... she is my... she is my... Veronica.


I have been thinking about this encounter a lot.
These 2 little girls (and their parents) have got something right. There are no labels here. The parents aren't talking to their children about nannies/ maids/ servants. And so these girls struggled to put a name to the relationship they have with their nanny (excuse the label). I love her response "she is my Veronica". Reminding us that even when someone works for your family primarily they are still "Veronica".

Fighting the good fight

This phrase has become my mantra lately...

Fight the good fight is actually from Timothy 6:12 and refers to spreading Christianity... In our house it refers to ensuring

1. Teeth are brushed
2. books are not torn
3. Saying ta
4. Asking for what we want rather than whining
5. Toys are packed away
6. Food is not spat, thrown or smeared
7. nappies are changed without smearing waste products all over the walls
8. We don't smack friends, mommy, daddy or random strangers
9. We are gentle with animals
10. And on and on and on

and it feels like I say the same things, do the same things and have the same fight daily. and by daily I mean at least 1 million times a day.
But at the end of the day it is a good fight... I am fighting for Lucs teeth, manners, hygiene, boundaries, discipline and the future man he will grow into.

It is a good fight. And I need to remind myself of that (at least 1 million times a day)