Let's start a conversation...

"We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they have all learned to live together in the same box!"

Wednesday 4 December 2013

On feeling (fat, thin, ugly, ok) beautiful

Today was a day i had been dreading for a while... Photo day at work! We had professional make up done and then had professional photos taken.

i was dreading today... Because i dont like photos, i am (a little) scared of make up and i felt silly. i was worried i wouldnt know how to move my head in the right direction when i had to or hold my eyelids still to have mascara applied. Worried they'd just have to scrap my photo...

But i guess the real problem was that i dont feel beautiful and was scared of having the rest of the world (hahaha- such a drama queen! Just my colleagues, a photographer and make up artist) see that i am not beautiful. This is heart wrenching to write cos i feel like i am baring my soul a little. i think i need to brace myself for a vulnerability hangover tomorrow:).

And then... i was reading this blog tonight and realised what a screwed up view i have. and i really wanted to just write this to debrief and unpack this. I love where Kasey Edwards says "When did fat become a feeling anyway?" Exactly... When did fat, ugly, beautiful, thin become feelings????

And i know deep down i am not ugly. i think the fact that i have such a handsome husband proves that cos he wouldnt marry too far out his range ;-)! but i guess what i struggle to know is that i am beautiful. And yet i profess that i dont think beauty is not only physically related but an inward outshining. a smarkling of yourself. and i do believe that. Now how do i live that?

Also (and yes we are back here!) how do i teach Luc that... Not only to see himself in a positive healthy manner but also to treat woman in that way. i do need to model an acceptance of myself (all the bits- wobbly, wrinkly, scared). maybe if i act i will believe it a bit more.

P.S. What an incredible experience today was. Professional make up and photos are worth having... Even if just for the introspection they spark

5 comments:

  1. Well done for sharing Kathy, we all have "I feel fat/ugly days" and what a load of crap they are!!! You are gorgeous and in fact I was thinking about that at MM, the other day, what a gorgeous mum you are! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Stella... That is awesome of you. I wish i could really see myself as God sees me. Been thinking all day about how to practically do that?!

      Delete
  2. Kath, well said! I too have struggled for years with feeling un-beautiful. Really! And not in a dramatic way, to make people tell me i am - which is a normal response, but in a quiet, trying to be honest with myself way. it took having two girls to make me realise that in the eyes of those who love me, I am truly beautiful, and that is really all that matters. And denying that you are beautiful to those people (especially the children) makes them doubt their own beauty. So i've settled for being beautiful to those who count. And the great thing about that is that they feel the same way whether the make up is on or off, and whether the photos turn out good or bad!

    ReplyDelete
  3. PS - Read Amy's review of Skinny too ... if you haven't already? http://amybouwer.blogspot.com/2013/07/skinny-by-donna-cooner.html

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think awareness and sincerity are very important, and you’ve got a lot of both. Awareness is a bit like visualisation in yoga practice. There’s benefit to be derived from sending healing energy to hurt or ill parts of our body, and picturing it actually going to those places and doing good. Similarly, there’s great benefit to be gained from being aware of wanting to behave in certain positive ways. By being aware, you cause yourself to daily live your life in those positive ways, big and small. Being a child, which have their own special kind of awareness, Luc cannot help but absorb and emulate those ways. As for sincerity – it shines clearly from you, especially in posts such as your Mandela one.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – a bit of a trite belief, these days, but no less true for that. To your family and to us, your friends, you are beautiful. You have a deeply caring attitude. And it’s there not just to be felt, but also to see: in your body language, in your facial expression. I mean obviously you have a range of other emotions, some of them negative, but in general your demeanour is one of caring. What makes this attitude more special is that it’s not just for your immediate circle, but for a much wider group of people. The intangibles such as your blog posts and the reasons why you created the blog in the first place are examples of that.

    P.S. Something my mother told me a long time ago that has always stayed with me: We mostly look at ourselves in the mirror straight on. But this is rarely what people around us do. They look at and see us from various angles, many of which we ourselves simply can’t see. It’s now occurred to me that this can be a metaphor, too, to represent the idea that when we think of ourselves, we tend to do so ‘straight on’, with a kind of flat, critical view, whereas others around us consider and apprehend us from various angles, with a kind of rounded, appreciative view.

    ReplyDelete