Sing, mommy, sing...

When i was in primary school i auditioned for the choir and i didnt get in. I am sure the teacher was very sweet about it but i was devastated and heartbroken. Looking back i think i was so upset because i love to sing... it is fun and it feels good. With the benefit of some age and wisdom i realise i am not very musical- i am tone deaf and am not naturally musical.
This failed audition however started an "i cant sing" label that i have carried around since then. I went through a stage when i wouldn't even sing aloud because i was embarrassed about my voice. lip synching!

Last week i was driving with Luc and he was getting upset in the car. i tried to talk to him, tried sticking his dummy in but he wasnt interested. so i started singing to him... Thank you Barney for those stick in your head songs... If i stopped singing Luc started crying so i sang and sang and sang...
Today we had the same situation- my boy was tired of sitting in his car seat, didn't like the CD i was listening to. he wanted to hear me sing! Me, of the, "you're not good enough for this choir voice"! It was like my boy took 23 years of hurt and erased it with his insistence that i sing for him...

Thank you my special boy. You help heal my hurt and break my heart open with what a blessing you are.
xxx

Fallen heroes...

I am probably not going to add anything new to what has already been said but thats the beauty of a blog... my space to write my thoughts :)
It feels a bit like some of my (sporting) heroes have come apart lately. Living in a cycling crazy family means i have been following the Lance Armstrong story closely. So First Lance...
And now Oscar Pistorius... Oscar was (is?) really someone i admire. And as an OT i have treasured his story of overcoming disability.  I love the fact he fought to run in mainstream events. And i love his blades!

I wont say a lot about this because there is loads to read on the subject... What i will say is that my heart is sad and sore. I guess in a completely selfish way i do feel disappointed but more so i feel for him and for the Steenkamp family and i have felt the story disheartening. I have also found peoples reactions to it disturbing. i read somewhere that it feels like people slowing down to look at an accident. That is what it feels like... I am not exempt, but i feel sickened by it.

The one opinion that i will strongly advocate here tho is that we need a gun free SA. Which ever version of events is true, it wouldn't have happened if he didn't have guns in his home.

Luc lesson...

Whatever you do, don't scream!

When Luc was little (er!) he used to pee on me or rather us a lot! I inevitably screamed after or during being peed on. Philippe always said not to scream...
So I guess this one is something Luc and daddy Phil have taught me- DON'T Scream!

This is Philippe practicing CPR on Luc (no screaming occurred during this session!)

It is good to remember because if i scream, Luc screams!
I guess kids do learn how they should react based on their parents reaction to whatever has happened... You see this with bigger, more mobile kids when they fall. They have that second where they gauge the adults reaction to what has happened to see if it is worth making a fuss about.

And sometimes things are just not worth screaming about!

Coffee coloured people

We get a lot of comments about Luc's colouring...
I joked when we got married that i was marrying Philippe for his melanin. And luckily for Luc he has inherited some of that melanin.

The one comment i have been thinking about a lot is:
" In a few generations apparently all people will be coffee coloured"

Really?
I guess the premise is that marrying and procreating will cross the colour lines more than it is happening now until we are all one (milky) coffee coloured bunch.
Really?
That would mean the majority of people getting together with people outside of their race. i certainly think this is happening more in SA. Abolishment of the immorality act, helped in that respect! But i dont see the majority of SA, black, white, indian or coloured people getting together with people outside of their race. i am not advocating the reverse- immorality act now... But i do think this coffee coloured world might take more than a few generations!

Luc lesson...

Time... Thats what Luc has made me think about lately!
Our baby boy will be 6 months old on Wednesday. 6 months! How did that happen? That started me thinking about time...
Some days crawl by so slowly you can feel each second. Other days rush by so that you can't believe they've ended when they have just begun...

With Luc it is the same:

Those exceedingly lllllllllllllllooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg nights at the beginning when it would take me hours to feed him. VS Being pregnant one instant and having a real live baby the next.
Watching him explore new things for the first time. VS those screaming moments where you dont know what to do.
Lying in bed in the mornings with my 2 boys VS Waiting for him to wake up because we were supposed to be somewhere 10 minutes ago
The first 6/8 weeks when you feel like you'll never live through it. VS Realising my baby is 6 months old and i dont know how it flew by.

i know everyone says enjoy every moment- i think that is a lot of pressure! Because i certainly have had moments i haven't enjoyed. i understand the sentiment though- you want to hold onto them being each age and going through each stage. i am feeling a little sad that these first 6 months are almost gone. i feel like i want to cling to him being my little, tiny baby. But he isnt any more!
So what i am going to try and do for the next 6 months is let time do its crazy fast- fast- slow dance and i will try dance along. With Luc in my arms.

Luc lesson 7

When Luc was born i experienced this overwhelming, huge, incredible love... It is different from any love i had experienced before- it is so strong it is like an aching, and so big it feels like my heart would burst and it is protective and mind blowing!
I really dont have words for how incredible an experience it was.

But what it did make me think was that i had a tiny glimpse of how much God loved me...and he loves me more than i could ever love my little Luc. That is MIND BLOWING!

Abandoning a baby...

Yesterday my parents found an abandoned baby. She was wrapped in a big blanket. And was little- only a few days old (the cord and placenta were still attached). My mom phoned me to bring some formula and baby clothes. I fed this tiny little baby and we changed her, while the police took statements and filled in paper work and then the paramedics arrived. they checked she was ok and then took her to hospital. My mom, the police and paramedics decided she should be called Emmarentia (because that's where my parents live!) Emma for short :).

The whole experience has been quite an eye opener. A couple of things have been playing over and over in my mind:

I am obviously sad for little Emma and i am praying for her. For wisdom for the people making decisions on her behalf and for her future. But i feel such sadness and devastation for that mom.
Wrapped in the blanket with Emma was a bottle of milk and mom had tried to fashion a nappy out of some cloth. i think she must have tried to care for her (she was a few days old) but couldnt... I am not condoning leaving your baby in a park but i cant imagine being that desperate that that is the only decision you can think of. Or having no one you could turn to in that situation. this poor woman must have felt so alone. Just thinking about it amkes me want to cry (again!)

What has also been interesting is peoples reactions... on the whole i have found that people who have had their own kids can grasp how incredibly desperate this woman must have been to leave her baby. Giving birth and being a mom has made me realise how hard it must be to give up your child... Maybe she felt that that was the best she could do for little Emma... I cant presume to know her heart or motivation but i pray that God comforts her.

I am so aware of how privileged i am. i had great antenatal and postnatal care. I have an incredible, supportive family and wonderful group of friends who are also like family and i am in a church community that would help me if i needed it.

Luc Lesson 6

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!     Body and soul, I am marvelously made
I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something. 


Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.
Psalm 139: 13- 16 (The message)

 So... my latest offerings on things i have learned from lil Luc is that we are TRULY FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made! I kind of knew this before Luc arrived... Anatomy will help with that concept ;-)! But i have only truly got this now.
I was chatting to my friend Jen on Whats App tonight and she is 21 weeks pregnant and sent me pics of her little bean... I was just reminded again how incredible LIFE is!

The 1st pic is when our little boy was 8 weeks, 4 days old (from conception) and the 2nd pic is when he was 1 day old (from birth).

It is just mind blowing to imagine how 2 cells come together so that within 8 weeks there is a little person with the beginnings of arms and legs and a HEARTBEAT!
And then from there... all the organs, bones, nerves, veins, arteries...everything gets in the right place so that this perfect little boy is born! MIND BLOWING!
And it doesnt end there. There is physical growth which is amazing. Luc was only 2.3 kg when he was born and is now a hefty 6.5kg but even more fascinating to watch is their development:
From a little being who cant hold their head up to my curious little boy who is trying to look at everything.
From just reflex movement to being able to put his dummy back in his own mouth
From sleeping lots to fighting going to sleeping because there is too much to see
Recognizing me and Philippe
Smiling
Laughing
Sitting
Rolling over (although Luc isnt that keen on rolling!)
Playing with his toes, his fingers and now his willy!
Blowing spit bubbles
Raising his eyebrows at everything and everyone

I could go on and on... All i know is that WE ARE MARVELOUSLY MADE!

p.s. Sorry for all the caps in this post... It just feels like it is something i need to shout :0!

Luc lesson 5

Hugs are good! For the giver...(I mean look at Philippe's face) and getter...

More on they, them and otherness...

I completely understand why students plagarise- someone else says something that completely sums up what you want to say and beautifully, better than you ever could... (I am not condoning it, but i do understand it!)

so at the risk of a little plagarism... I found this amazing paragraph in a book i am currently reading which is beautifully written and eloquently describes what i was trying to say in my last post...

(The man mentioned in this paragraph fought in WW 1 and is coming to terms with life after the war. He now works as a lighthouse keeper)

" It seems improbable to Tom that such endless space could exist in the same lifetime as the ground that was fought over a foot at a time only a handful of years ago, where men lost their lives for the sake of labeling a few muddy yards as 'ours' instead of 'theirs', only to have them snatched back a day later. Perhaps the same labeling obsession caused cartographers to split this body of water into two oceans, even though it is impossible to touch an exact point at which their currents begin to differ. Splitting. Labeling. Seeking out otherness. Some things don't change."

M L Stedman. The light between oceans. Page 60

 I think our "seeking out otherness" is what makes us able to justify racism, injustice, bullying, hate, condescension, murder, bigotry...

They! Them!

My parents house was burgled on Thursday night/ early Friday morning. Luckily no one was home but quite honestly, it sucks! It isn't the stuff so much as the invasion of your own space and the sentimental stuff like my Omi's jewellery or my Grans binoculars.

What is interesting in this situation is how people speak about crime...
They did it... They broke in... They are @#%6*!

I know i have blogged about this before but i think it is important!
I think we talk about "they" or "them" because that makes the people responsible separate from us. And then it is easier to think badly, speak badly or down about a group of people. Don't get me wrong I don't condone crime or excuse it but maybe the people who broke into my parents place aren't as different from me as i would like to believe.
If "they" were people who lived in my neighborhood, went to my school or university, had similar aged kids to me would i have to rethink the dismissal or disgust with which i view this crime?
If "they" were people i hung around with would i have to rethink what punishment i would suggest?
If "they" were people i had relationship with what feelings would i have about why this happened?

What i do know is that "they" are people... (Skinny people!) But people...